If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
