cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
