So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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