I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
