Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize