Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
