Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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