Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
