State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
