There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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