Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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