I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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