You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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