haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
