you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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