No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize