I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
