I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
false alarm. still invincible.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
