my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
