I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
