I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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