so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm like, not good at living.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize