Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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