guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
