You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
