I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
