turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
