her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
