Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
