I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
