I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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