if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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