Just fell off a train. Bad.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
