Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
