Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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