I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
