how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
