obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
