I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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