It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
