just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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