dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
