Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
