man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
