if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
