if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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