I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
