is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
