she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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