i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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