you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you traded sex for a burrito?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
