I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
two words: eviction party
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
