Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
