I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
