My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
