I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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