Ambien. No doubt about it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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