My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize