if i can run in heels then i can drive
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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