And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
