i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
