I want to make a zoo with you.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
