mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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