I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
