What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
