Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
