you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
