I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize